Diese eine liebe

 We were taught about specific belief systems and critical lenses in undergrad, and for some reason the way they were presented - Marxism, feminism, communism - struck me much more than any vague concept of worldviews in high school. 

Except there was still some othering some how. Maybe this even strengthened my view that certain positions were right while others were wrong.

It wasn't until a few years ago when I was researching a particular subsection of nutritional science that my mind was blown a little when I realised that even in science - that which is supposed to be truly objective - there can exist vastly different beliefs around fundamental topics. Two camps of researchers and interpreters who see the same data and come to completely different conclusions. How could science be failing to find the truth? How could the "truth" be so different for different groups of people?

I saw Fat Mike on stage in 2008. I stopped listening to NOFX for a while after that when I found out he kicked a fan in the head multiple times on stage on one of his next tour stops.

And then I saw him in Amsterdam on a Tuesday night this past May.  A fan stormed the stage. I was struck by how Mike smiled and tried to calmly - but firmly - get him off stage. And I think I love these artists again so much because they remind me that we all fuck up, and we all wish we didn't, and we all have capacity for change.

I felt pure joy in that mosh pit, by myself at a gig again for the first time in a while, reconnecting with a part of myself I lost for a short time.

I can't really work out how to articulate what I feel, not least because my writing skills are rusty. But I've always believed people can change. But I think people have to want to, and there needs to be some kind of remorse communicated for trust to be rebuilt once it's been severed.

Maybe sometimes some people just don't know how to communicate that. Saying sorry or admitting wrongdoing is a show of vulnerability in a society that deems that a weakness. But what is perceived as wrongdoing also differs for everyone. Or perhaps the reason why trust is broken is just not always understood either.

I've always had a strong capacity to love, and I love a great many people very deeply. But someone once told me that not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay in it. So perhaps some of that love just has to have no place to go, at least until both parties figure out if there's a way to move forward in some new kind of union.