Pallbearers

I dreamt the other night that I was holding her hand. I think I must have been half awake because I remember thinking, "I wish I could just hold your hand one more time."
But then I shook it off and went back to sleep, because I had ample opportunity to hold her hand, and I held her hand almost every time I was with her for the past few months.

It's a funny thing, this grief.

You're convinced you're okay because you don't really feel that sad, and then all of a sudden a little moan comes out of your mouth and you just fall. You just have to sit.

Or you'll be feeling perfectly cheery and happy and all of a sudden you cry. Usually only for a few seconds but sometimes it's longer.

And I'm not inherently sad, I'm not, I'm not.

I guess I'm just grieving.

Sometime recently when I cried I thought to myself, "I would really just like to hug you one last time now."
And then I told myself off, because no, I had the last hug, I gave the last kiss, I squeezed her hand one last time and then I left.
And I know it was alright. I felt okay to walk away, having done everything I had, knowing that she'd know I was there.

It was a good bye. So I don't to need hug her again. I've done the hugging. There is no bringing the hugging back. And that's okay.

People talk about feeling their loved ones' presences after they're gone, but I know she isn't here. I know I don't feel her, I know she isn't with us.

Already there are things I want to tell her, and the other day there was something I wanted her advice on. I wanted Someone to pass on a message to her, but I don't think it works like that.

They say you start to get really depressed eight months after someone dies. I wonder if I'm just getting it twice over, because seven months ago she was diagnosed, and I've been grieving the last seven months, so maybe part of me is restarting the grieving process while the other half of me still isn't finished.

But I'm not that sad. I'm just grieving. I'm just up and down.

And that's okay.