A million poppies gonna make me sleep

I went to the first meeting for my adventure racing team today.
I knew when I arrived that this would also probably be the last meeting, thanks to a lovely little stress fracture that has decided to join me on my travels this month.
I'd thought that I was okay with this- okay with the decision being essentially made for me.
But when I got there, and the coach was asking how everyone was feeling for the run (which he knew I could not attend) this afternoon, I felt myself shift.
Everyone laughed nervously and I just felt desperate to get out there with them.
In that moment, all I wanted was to run.
I think I forgot how awesome it is to run, how amazing it is in a racing team, how brilliant it is to just absolutely thrash yourself.
And then my heart got all tight and I felt like my throat was being squeezed and I knew that I wanted this so much that I could not voluntarily back out.
I have missed racing so much.
I have missed being unbelievably fit.
I have missed laughing and smiling with others while I run.
So when they all trotted off on their 2 hour run and I had to walk home, I just wanted to cry, really.
In the shower I prayed that maybe I could somehow know what to do, because I knew I couldn't just put my hand up and say, "I can't do this now."
I was lucky that when I got out of the shower the coordinator of the team had emailed me, and has instead guaranteed me a place in next years team.
And that's something.