This isn't what you wanted when you gave me your heart
Debbie swore and swerved as they drove up the hill.
“Every night!” she exclaimed, shaking her head as she turned the tight corner.
The elderly man Jen’s mother had narrowly missed shuffled slowly from the middle of the road to the left side- the side without the footpath. Every night, at around nine thirty, this little old man drunkenly shuffled home up the hill to his wife in the cottage on the corner. Every night, he walked in the middle of the road. Jen drove most nights herself now, but she’d learned to keep an eye out on the road leading up to theirs; he was always intoxicated and hunched over, and if you weren’t from the area it would be easy to hit him. Thankfully they lived in a small town, so even with the narrow, steep roads, he’d managed to stumble up that hill safely every night for the last fifty or so years.
Debbie laughed, “What do you think his poor wife does while he’s down at the working men’s club?”
Jen shook her head and shrugged, “Either she’s a hard case and that’s why he heads home so early, or she gave up long ago and she’s in bed by six.”
Jen’s mother cackled again, “He’s so cute!”
* * *
Jen moved out of their small town when she was eighteen. Unlike the cliché of moving away from a small town in hopes of something bigger, Jen moved away and hoped to move back as soon as possible. But Jen knew that she had to do things that scared her from time to time, and it would be too safe to stay in her small hometown forever.
She didn’t move far- 350 kilometres down the road. Far enough that her father’s eyes welled up every time she left after visiting home again. The five hour journeys home (four and a half when traffic was good) once every month or two became boring fast, and she was glad when she finally made the last five hour journey home to move into a flat in her small town once more.
Jen, Lewis, Jack and Wiari- all friends who’d grown up running across the town together, swimming in the harbour in summer, picking plums when the season was right, sleeping in the hills under handmade bivvys even when the season wasn’t right. Moving in with her old friends felt right, and even at twenty-two they still acted like the children they’d always been.
“Jack, what’s the plan tonight?” Jen yelled to Jack from the couch whilst Wiari and Lewis sorted out dessert.
“I dunno,” came the reply from down the hallway. Jack mumbled something that Jen couldn’t hear.
“What!” she yelled, not bothered enough to get up to talk to him.
Jack was so tall he almost had to duck as he walked through the doorway into the lounge, “I said I thought maybe you and Lewis had a hot date tonight!”
Wiari laughed and Jen’s face turned red as she smirked. Lewis turned around and smiled at Jen from the kitchen counter. He didn’t care who knew, but Jen had been reluctant to make anything official- she hadn’t dated in a while, and didn’t think she would again, and everyone knows you shouldn’t screw the crew.
“What?” came Jen’s stuttered reply as she laughed.
It was Jack’s turn to laugh now, and he picked up one of the cushions off the couch and launched it at her, “Come on Jen, did you think we’d think you were just having sleepovers in Lewis’ room?”
“Well, you never know!” Jen smiled back as she threw a cushion at Jack’s head.
“Well why weren’t we invited then!” Jack feigned offence gesturing to himself and Wiari.
Lewis cracked up now and countered, “I don’t feel like the four of us need to be that close, Jack!”
* * *
There’s a reason why the crass saying, “Don’t screw the crew” exists. There’s a reason why they say not to mix pleasure and business- a lesson Jen actually learned very early on. But Jen, having graduated with a Bachelor of Arts and not wanting a career, worked part time in the same café that Lewis worked part time in while completing his postgraduate study. They lived together, worked together, and they could barely escape each other in a town where you’d know immediately if someone was a local or an ‘import.’
So, what started off as a carefree, fun relationship quickly became overly intense, with never time for a gasp of air.
Jen slammed the fridge door and returned to her room with chocolate in hand. Lewis was at university, and had promised he’d be home forty-five minutes ago. Lewis was always late to dates with her. To be fair, he was late to everything. But Jen didn’t feel like being fair. His laid back nature balanced out her neuroticism, but sometimes he was too easy going for her liking.
“Chill out, Jen!” Jack yelled down the hallway as Jen slammed her door. Seconds later Jack flung her door open, overalls still on from work.
“Jen, seriously, man,” he sat down on her bed while she examined her fingernails. “What’s your deal? You’ve been so… girly recently.”
“I don’t know!” Jen wrung her hands as she replied, an anxious habit she’d carried over from childhood. Not that she felt much more grown up now.
“I just have no idea what I want or what I’m doing or where I’m going and I’m sad all the time!”
Jack looked sadly at Jen. She was one of his best friends, but she’d always been a mess when it came to relationships. She once told him that she thought she was meant to be alone. Sometimes he wondered if she’d be much happier that way.
“Jen, I’ve got no clue what’s going on with you two, but I think it’s just hard when you’re together twenty-four-seven. You’ll be right. You wanna play some Xbox or something?”
Jen shook her head. “Lewis should be home soon, we’re going to dinner at my parents.”
“Oh, yeah?” Jack asked as he stood up to leave.
“Tell your parents I say hi, I miss them.”
Jen felt a twinge of guilt as he shut the door.
* * *
“Oh, my, GOSH!” Jen yelled as she drifted round the corner in the dark with Lewis in the passenger seat.
“What!” he yelled back. It wasn’t often that Lewis raised his voice. Jen was highly strung and yelling had become a regular occurrence on her part, but Lewis always just took it and held her close when she was done yelling.
“You just frustrate me no end!” she snapped as she sharply braked at the stop sign, the seatbelt almost choking Lewis.
“I said I’m sorry, Jen! Uni is full on, I’m sure your parents won’t mind that we’re a little late!”
Jen groaned, “It’s not even that. It’s just that I feel like you don’t even care anymore. You’re never on time, and when I’m upset you don’t make any effort to make me feel better!”
Jen hardly braked around the next corner. Jen got road rage at the best of times, and she was a shocking driver when she was mad.
“Bloody hell, Jen, calm down!”
Jen turned to throw an angry look at Lewis for a split second, when a strange yell came out of Lewis’ mouth.
Jen turned just in time to see her car collide with a small figure in the middle of the road.
* * *
John saw it coming really.
He shuffled home every night, taking little steps up the dark hill, breathing liquor scented breath out his mouth as his bones creaked. Home he’d walk to the woman he loved, the one he used to laugh with, but now just bickered with before he fell asleep next to her. They didn’t sleep as close together as they used to, mainly because sleeping was so uncomfortable now.
But every now and then, John would fall asleep with Marie’s hand in his, and when they’d wake in the morning it almost felt the way it did when they fell in love all those years ago. When they would wake up in balmy weather in each other’s arms, pulling each other closer and tighter, as if they could never be quite close enough. Yes, Marie and John fought a lot now, but the fighting wasn’t even as passionate as it used to be. Now it was more about whether or not John had left the fridge open or if Marie had forgotten to buy brown sugar.
John tried to breathe deeply but felt a pain in his side as the young girl who had been driving panicked over him and yelled to ask him if he could hear her. The young boy with her was wide-eyed and on the telephone calling for help.
John could hear her, but it was too much effort to answer. He was only just around the corner from Marie, and his heart panged slightly as he thought of Marie waiting. She was probably already in bed with two hot water bottles, one on her side of the bed and one on his.
He’d been stubborn. Marie had always told him to walk on the footpath, and at an age where he could no longer wreak havoc the way he once did, his little ritualistic shuffle up the middle of the street had become his sole act of defiance, his one symbol of anarchism in his otherwise quiet day.
But Marie had been right, and now all he wanted was to hold her one last time, just like he used to. John felt everything get darker around him.
“Can you hear me! Can you hear me!” Jen tapped the frail old man sharply on his collarbone before leaning down to check his breath.
“Every night!” she exclaimed, shaking her head as she turned the tight corner.
The elderly man Jen’s mother had narrowly missed shuffled slowly from the middle of the road to the left side- the side without the footpath. Every night, at around nine thirty, this little old man drunkenly shuffled home up the hill to his wife in the cottage on the corner. Every night, he walked in the middle of the road. Jen drove most nights herself now, but she’d learned to keep an eye out on the road leading up to theirs; he was always intoxicated and hunched over, and if you weren’t from the area it would be easy to hit him. Thankfully they lived in a small town, so even with the narrow, steep roads, he’d managed to stumble up that hill safely every night for the last fifty or so years.
Debbie laughed, “What do you think his poor wife does while he’s down at the working men’s club?”
Jen shook her head and shrugged, “Either she’s a hard case and that’s why he heads home so early, or she gave up long ago and she’s in bed by six.”
Jen’s mother cackled again, “He’s so cute!”
* * *
Jen moved out of their small town when she was eighteen. Unlike the cliché of moving away from a small town in hopes of something bigger, Jen moved away and hoped to move back as soon as possible. But Jen knew that she had to do things that scared her from time to time, and it would be too safe to stay in her small hometown forever.
She didn’t move far- 350 kilometres down the road. Far enough that her father’s eyes welled up every time she left after visiting home again. The five hour journeys home (four and a half when traffic was good) once every month or two became boring fast, and she was glad when she finally made the last five hour journey home to move into a flat in her small town once more.
Jen, Lewis, Jack and Wiari- all friends who’d grown up running across the town together, swimming in the harbour in summer, picking plums when the season was right, sleeping in the hills under handmade bivvys even when the season wasn’t right. Moving in with her old friends felt right, and even at twenty-two they still acted like the children they’d always been.
“Jack, what’s the plan tonight?” Jen yelled to Jack from the couch whilst Wiari and Lewis sorted out dessert.
“I dunno,” came the reply from down the hallway. Jack mumbled something that Jen couldn’t hear.
“What!” she yelled, not bothered enough to get up to talk to him.
Jack was so tall he almost had to duck as he walked through the doorway into the lounge, “I said I thought maybe you and Lewis had a hot date tonight!”
Wiari laughed and Jen’s face turned red as she smirked. Lewis turned around and smiled at Jen from the kitchen counter. He didn’t care who knew, but Jen had been reluctant to make anything official- she hadn’t dated in a while, and didn’t think she would again, and everyone knows you shouldn’t screw the crew.
“What?” came Jen’s stuttered reply as she laughed.
It was Jack’s turn to laugh now, and he picked up one of the cushions off the couch and launched it at her, “Come on Jen, did you think we’d think you were just having sleepovers in Lewis’ room?”
“Well, you never know!” Jen smiled back as she threw a cushion at Jack’s head.
“Well why weren’t we invited then!” Jack feigned offence gesturing to himself and Wiari.
Lewis cracked up now and countered, “I don’t feel like the four of us need to be that close, Jack!”
* * *
There’s a reason why the crass saying, “Don’t screw the crew” exists. There’s a reason why they say not to mix pleasure and business- a lesson Jen actually learned very early on. But Jen, having graduated with a Bachelor of Arts and not wanting a career, worked part time in the same café that Lewis worked part time in while completing his postgraduate study. They lived together, worked together, and they could barely escape each other in a town where you’d know immediately if someone was a local or an ‘import.’
So, what started off as a carefree, fun relationship quickly became overly intense, with never time for a gasp of air.
Jen slammed the fridge door and returned to her room with chocolate in hand. Lewis was at university, and had promised he’d be home forty-five minutes ago. Lewis was always late to dates with her. To be fair, he was late to everything. But Jen didn’t feel like being fair. His laid back nature balanced out her neuroticism, but sometimes he was too easy going for her liking.
“Chill out, Jen!” Jack yelled down the hallway as Jen slammed her door. Seconds later Jack flung her door open, overalls still on from work.
“Jen, seriously, man,” he sat down on her bed while she examined her fingernails. “What’s your deal? You’ve been so… girly recently.”
“I don’t know!” Jen wrung her hands as she replied, an anxious habit she’d carried over from childhood. Not that she felt much more grown up now.
“I just have no idea what I want or what I’m doing or where I’m going and I’m sad all the time!”
Jack looked sadly at Jen. She was one of his best friends, but she’d always been a mess when it came to relationships. She once told him that she thought she was meant to be alone. Sometimes he wondered if she’d be much happier that way.
“Jen, I’ve got no clue what’s going on with you two, but I think it’s just hard when you’re together twenty-four-seven. You’ll be right. You wanna play some Xbox or something?”
Jen shook her head. “Lewis should be home soon, we’re going to dinner at my parents.”
“Oh, yeah?” Jack asked as he stood up to leave.
“Tell your parents I say hi, I miss them.”
Jen felt a twinge of guilt as he shut the door.
* * *
“Oh, my, GOSH!” Jen yelled as she drifted round the corner in the dark with Lewis in the passenger seat.
“What!” he yelled back. It wasn’t often that Lewis raised his voice. Jen was highly strung and yelling had become a regular occurrence on her part, but Lewis always just took it and held her close when she was done yelling.
“You just frustrate me no end!” she snapped as she sharply braked at the stop sign, the seatbelt almost choking Lewis.
“I said I’m sorry, Jen! Uni is full on, I’m sure your parents won’t mind that we’re a little late!”
Jen groaned, “It’s not even that. It’s just that I feel like you don’t even care anymore. You’re never on time, and when I’m upset you don’t make any effort to make me feel better!”
Jen hardly braked around the next corner. Jen got road rage at the best of times, and she was a shocking driver when she was mad.
“Bloody hell, Jen, calm down!”
Jen turned to throw an angry look at Lewis for a split second, when a strange yell came out of Lewis’ mouth.
Jen turned just in time to see her car collide with a small figure in the middle of the road.
* * *
John saw it coming really.
He shuffled home every night, taking little steps up the dark hill, breathing liquor scented breath out his mouth as his bones creaked. Home he’d walk to the woman he loved, the one he used to laugh with, but now just bickered with before he fell asleep next to her. They didn’t sleep as close together as they used to, mainly because sleeping was so uncomfortable now.
But every now and then, John would fall asleep with Marie’s hand in his, and when they’d wake in the morning it almost felt the way it did when they fell in love all those years ago. When they would wake up in balmy weather in each other’s arms, pulling each other closer and tighter, as if they could never be quite close enough. Yes, Marie and John fought a lot now, but the fighting wasn’t even as passionate as it used to be. Now it was more about whether or not John had left the fridge open or if Marie had forgotten to buy brown sugar.
John tried to breathe deeply but felt a pain in his side as the young girl who had been driving panicked over him and yelled to ask him if he could hear her. The young boy with her was wide-eyed and on the telephone calling for help.
John could hear her, but it was too much effort to answer. He was only just around the corner from Marie, and his heart panged slightly as he thought of Marie waiting. She was probably already in bed with two hot water bottles, one on her side of the bed and one on his.
He’d been stubborn. Marie had always told him to walk on the footpath, and at an age where he could no longer wreak havoc the way he once did, his little ritualistic shuffle up the middle of the street had become his sole act of defiance, his one symbol of anarchism in his otherwise quiet day.
But Marie had been right, and now all he wanted was to hold her one last time, just like he used to. John felt everything get darker around him.
“Can you hear me! Can you hear me!” Jen tapped the frail old man sharply on his collarbone before leaning down to check his breath.
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