With one fell swoop it became clear to me

I had plans on what I was going to blog about this evening.
I believe it was going to be something cheery, that's usually what I aim for on a Sunday.
But now I really do not know.
So I think I will just ramble.

I did not realise how much an 'almost' relationship had affected me until very recently.
Last time I was single, I was single for just six months, and there was a 'relationship' that almost occurred and almost escalated too quickly.
There were a whole lot of almosts involved.

Now, I don't even know why I was interested, to be honest.

But now I wonder if I didn't know why I was interested because the person I'd been with for over two years was so different, and I was wondering how I could be attracted to anyone that wasn't quite the same.

Which is bizarre really, as that person who I spent the majority of my teenage years with was never one of those people that was generally my type, in fact, very different.

So, I was attracted to this new guy.
But constantly haunted by the fact that he was not my ex.
So in the end, I got back with my ex only a week after, and this new guy, (may aswell call him TNG) was bloody angry.

If I remember correctly, he said "Fuck you, you can make your own fucking decisions, I know you'll still be with him in five years anyway."
That shocked me a little.

So the deal with the ex was off again, and this time I was actually single for six months.

So this- I mean, TNG came and went during the six months.

He knew that I was going to Tahiti on an exchange, and less that a week before I left, I was walking through the bus exchange with a good friend of mine, and I saw him out of the corner of my eye, walking with his friend.
Clearly he saw me too, as he quickly changed direction and headed towards me.

Now, I was terrified. I didn't know what to do or say, so I very quickly told my friend that we needed to leave, and that's what we did, and TNG was left standing just a few metres away from me with his friend a while behind him asking "What are you doing? Hello? What are you doing!"

I have always regretted not letting him tell me what he wanted to in person.

He told me later, while I was in Tahiti, that he was incredibly sorry for hurting me, and that it was wrong of him to expect me to give up my ex for him, and he was just generally wonderful and sweet.
But that isn't the point of this post, even if it does take me a while to get to the point.

I remember one night when I was in town with some girls from work he texted me, and asked me to visit him, but I wouldn't leave the girls, particularly with his bipolar attitude towards me.
One the way home he told me that he had been falling in love with me.

I don't know if I believed this, and I don't know if he really knew, as at the time he had never been in love, but he has since.

Anyway, it was all very turbulent between us.

I got back together with my ex six months later.

Now I don't know what it was, or what did it, but I became very afraid of seeing TNG.

Everytime I did, my heart jumped.

I don't know if it meant that I was still not quite over him or something, but it was a stange phenomenon that I never understood and I still don't.

Even perhaps four months ago, I was walking towards my bus stop and thought I saw him- and there was the jump.

I really don't know what I was afraid of.

Every now and then I hear from him, and his relationship also eventually ended.

And it is honestly just nice to talk to him as a friend again.

Anyway, the point of this blog?

With him, there were always 'What ifs?'

What if I had let him talk to me before I went away?
What if I had visited any of those times that he asked me?
What if I had believed him when he told me he was interested in me?
What if I had given it all a chance?

But I know that I wasn't ready for a lot of those things.

But what I have realised recently, is that I do not want 'what ifs' in my life.

Yes, I made some mistakes with this boy.
In some ways, nothing really ever moved forward, in other ways, things moved way too quickly.

But I no longer regret them, because I know that I truly learned from them.

I have worked out that I do not have to have a 'type' that I date.

And I am now able to recognise a situation that I need to jump into.
Even if it scares me, I'm going to take a risk.

I don't want to look back and wonder, "What if?"

Not this time.