If you do not want to see me again, I would understand

I'm just going to write.

I don't know how I'm feeling today.
I'm scared of many things.
I'm scared of playing soccer with boys for crying out loud.
I'm no longer scared of being alone, however.
I wish I had a laptop, I'd much rather be writing this in the comfort of my own room.
I'm no longer as scared of growing up; Because I think I'm now saving a small piece of my childhood that wouldn't have been available to me otherwise.

I tend to absorb a lot of what I read, hear, or see.
What I mean by this is, say, when I read Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, I felt a lot more free, confident, and different, (perhaps one of the reasons why I loved this book so much when I was younger) just like the main character. When I read The Secret History by Donna Tartt, I briefly turned into a paranoid drug addict (minus the drugs); What I'm trying to say here, is that I subconsciously absorb parts of people, and eventually I realise what I'm doing, and go back to how I was.
Generally, it only happens with movies and books, but it scares me;
Can this happen with people around me too?

For example, people talk about rebounds. Now part of me is terrified that after coming out of such a long relationship (About 3 and a half years, for those of you who didn't know) that I won't see people in the same light.

I must tell you, I am fabulous at ruining any chance of relationships.
In that space of one year (as it probably adds up to) that I have actually been single during the time that I would actually consider dating, I have had a few people interested in me, and at times I have been interested too.
Now, all the ones that didn't work out, which is, well, all of them, I don't really regret that they didn't work out.
One of them torments me every now and then, but I hardly recognise him anymore.
Honestly, it really doesn't make sense.
Have you ever known someone, then one day looked at their photo and thought, "That isn't him."
How does that happen?
I know what he looks like, but the photos don't match up.
Anyway.

When people are interested in me, I can take a hint, but I convince myself that it's not true.
That they just want anyone, they're desperate, that they, being a teenage boy, just want sex, that they just want to mess me up, that they're just a flirt or a player.

So if they try and tell me their feelings, I've already shut them out.
I don't believe any of it.
I can't tell them how I feel even if I do feel something.
Ridiculous, isn't it?

For example, when I dated my ex, it took about eight or nine months of pursuit before he actually started dating me. And the only reason I eventually told him how I felt was because I thought he had already given up, I was depressed, and then suddenly he said something again and I took a chance.
I don't regret taking that chance.

I think it may be a very long time before I take another chance though.
But I believe that now I'd be more confident.

When I made that decision at the start of 2008 to do things that scared me, I don't think I realised it lead up to some of the things that it has.

But my goodness was it was one the best resolutions in the world.

And I think I'm still learning from it, and still realising that I have to do more things that scare me.
I bet playing soccer with the boys will be the next one, eh?
And eventually, some day, it will be being honest about my feelings with someone new.

I think I'm writing this because I can't run at the moment.
I should be able to in a few days though, fingers crossed.
I often run when I feel like this.
When I feel trapped, sad, frustrated, angry, shy, scared, anything like that.
Pounding the pavement sorts me out. It's like using myself as a punching bag, and I love it.

I had more inspiration for art hit me yesterday, and I can't wait to get back into it.

I sort of knew some things that I wanted to blog about before I started typing, but I've forgotten them all now.
This year, there will be no more regrets.
I will be doing everything I want to.
I'll play soccer.
I'll paint.
I'll ask people to hang out with me, instead of considering it, then being too shy.
I'll meet new people.
I will no longer feel guilty.

I'm getting used to that last one.
Hanging out with people and thinking, wow, I have no one to report to.

I also feel like there's no consistency now though, not a lot of constancy.
I love to be free, and I sometimes find constraints and rules difficult, but I also know that I like some order in life.
Now I feel like there's no regularity in the relationships in my life.

There's no one set person to spend all my moments with.
I don't know if anyone else regards me as closely as I regard them. Perhaps some of them regard me closer than I regard them?

I hate hurting people so much. Honestly, it tears me up inside. It rips me to pieces and I get amazingly stressed.
I've had a fair few nightmares this week. The Wicked Witch of The West from The Wiz (Yes, the The Wiz, not the The Wizard of Oz- you must see The Wiz and The Wizard of Oz, and someday, you should buy me a ticket and you and I shall go and see the stage show, Wicked, okay?) was in my dream last night. I do believe she sat on me, she's rather a large lady.

I feel wrong being selfish. I felt wrong making this decision for me, but now I feel like it was the right decision, even if it will be difficult for the first little while.
People tell me that I can't live my life for other people, but to me that just sounds so wrong.
Isn't that exactly what I should be doing?
Shouldn't I be living to look after others, look out for them, make them happy?
Honestly, it doesn't sound wrong to me to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others.

Perhaps I need the right balance of hedonism and asceticism? To be right in the middle?
They do say everything in moderation, do they not?

I want to say everything I feel.
Perhaps my view on honesty is too rigid.
People say that you need to lie sometimes.
No, no you don't.
I want honesty.
I do.
I don't care if people tell me things I don't want to hear, as long as they're also honest about the good things.
Here's hoping there are good things.

I don't want to be scared anymore.

If I want to tell someone something, I want to be brave enough to say it.

Someone read one of the lyrics on my wall hidden behind a guitar yesterday, and part of me wishes I turned around and said, "It's true, you know."

I really do not imagine anyone to have made it this far without skipping some paragraphs.
If you did, good on you, you trooper.

Someone teach me guitar again.